29 October 2009

A Day's Concerns

Today rated a bit more difficult on the scale. I drove to Saint Paul to chat with Y this morning. I am able talk with her with some degree of comfort, but still feel a bit uneasy. After all, she is not M. The aftermath is oftentimes more difficult as the topics of discussion seem to *soak in* following our time. I felt increasing sadness and despair as the day went on. The anxiety was not to be mitigated, so it seems.

I have been trying desperately to incorporate a *pick-u/clean-up* routine with the kids. My attempts have thus far been unsuccessful. Eamon resists and resists and often makes excuses as to why he is unable to pick up his toys at that particular moment in time. The more toys that carpet the floor, the more frustrated and overwhelmed he becomes. Well, frankly, his mother becomes frustrated and overwhelmed, too. We have such limited space in this house so toys, clothes, papers, bills, books etc, strewn about take up considerable real estate. I think this feeling of having so much clutter and *stuff* will be less of a factor if when ever move. However, we live here now and we need to make the most of the space we have. I see this as putting items away after use and keeping up with the clutter. I am the only one that appears to suffer from anxiety related to the mess, clutter, and lack of space. I want some order. I want cleanliness. I am tired of the chaos. It is driving me crazy!!!

I do not know what to do with Eamon. Yeterday, he told me I was a "bad mommy." Maybe I am, as I am so incredibly frustrated with him at this point. He is so oppositional, so deviant, so insolent at times. He will sometimes refuse to answer my questions. He will yell at me. He will hit me. He will tell benign lies, but lies, nonetheless. He will refuse my requests. At times, he will snuggle with me but usually as a means to an end. He thinks that if he is *nice* to me, then I will allow him extra Wii time. I wonder how I can be firm and strong with him but also loving and nurturing. I understand that he is exploring much that is new...new school, new friends, new schedule, new expectations, new responsibilities. I am trying to be patient and understanding. Instead I feel worn out at times and fixated on the clock. How long until bedtime? How many hours? How many minutes? When will he be asleep? When will I have a chance to decompress and evaluate. When will I have a chance to cry. Alone. I feel as if I am running on reserve fuel. I am getting a bit worn out. I need to figure out how to renew and strengthen myself.

My brother's car was broken into this morning, sometime between 12:00 AM and 6:00 AM. The would be burglars smashed the window and appeared to rifle through the car. They also worked to remove the car stereo, albeit unsuccessfully. The bright side of this is the fact that the car, itself, was not stolen. It is in very good condition for it's age but if stolen, I worry that my brother would not receive much in terms of insurance proceeds, not to mention his need for reliable transportation to work. Once again, this incident causes me increased worry about his neighborhood. He reported that a neighbor had their car stolen, right in front of that neighbor's property. Blue graffitti is displayed on the tall wooden fence surrounding my brother's home. The police are contacted, the incident reported, and occasionally, the paint scrubbed off...well somewhat. Sooner or later, there will be fresh, blue graffiti and the process repeats itself. My brother has reported that he and his housemates are unable to order pizza or Chinese food for delivery. Local businesses have opted out of this option as to eliminate the potential for robbery or assault upon delivery staff. And, the coup de grace, was an incident my brother had purposefully neglected to mention until it was inadvertently mentioned by his friend, N. Apparently, a burglar broke into the house, grabbed the large blanket off of the sofa, and placed thousands of dollars of DVD's on the blanket, only to use said blanket to wrap up the contents, and head back out the window. My brother and his roommate were avid and serious collectors of expansive DVD collections. All gone now. More importantly, my brother was in the house at the time of the robbery. He was in his room! He cannot be safe and sound inside his own place of residence??? Okay, this robbery incident happened a year ago or so. The prostitutes who took up temporarily residence in front of his house (he lives on a corner) were also a concern, more of a burden. The misogynist pigs who solicited them were of concern as well. Oh wait, did I forget to mention this lovely door prize of living in his neighborhood? I worry about him. I worry that he comes home to a parking spot in the back of his house that is somewhat secluded and not particularly well lit. I worry that he cannot be safe in his own home. All of the locks on the doors mean nothing when the window can be broken and used as a point of entry. I wish he did not live there. I wish he could live somewhere that *might* be safer and with a bit less worry. I know he enjoys his roommates and the rent is reasonable. I am worried about his safety.

The day finished with a baby that seemed a bit more sensitive...a bit more clingy. Emma looked tired, with a purplish coloring to her eyelids, which means she is tired or sick or both. She spiked a fever which was quickly brought down by Ibuprofen. as the medication wore off, the fever made a return appearance. I asked Emma is her head hurt to which she replied, "no." She was sniffling a bit and laying her head on the couch pillow. She is now sleeping. I hope she awakes feeling much better. I am a bit anxious, as I always am when my babies are ill. I worry what is wrong with them and how poorly they feel. I feel so sad when my babies are sick and I want so much to help them get well. All of the H1N1 fury has caused me additional worry. She could not be vaccinated with the H1N1 vaccine mist until 28 says post the administration of the seasonal flu mist. I will pray that she will soon feel better. My sweet baby. I do feel bad that she will most likely miss tomorrow's class Halloween party as she was looking forward to wearing her costume to school.

Madeline lies near me as I sit on the couch, imac in lap. I will bring this long post to a close and take the opportunity to have some snuggle time with my cute Liney. I am fortunate to have such a good pup to love, except for her tendency to have offensive gastro-intestinal issues. Though, it is the quiet of the night when the longing intensifies for my sweet Malachy. I continue to work through his passing. He was my sweet, sweet boy. So gentle, So kind, So soothing. I close my eyes and picture myself rubbing him behind the ears and back. Well, those large, soft, warm tears are intensifying. I go to hug my Madeline,

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