24 October 2009

Sleepless Nights

I still miss my sweet Malachy. Since he died, I have been having difficulty sleeping. I still feel out of sorts. I have accepted that he has left us. I am trying to set forth our new normalcy that no longer includes him. So many reminders of him all around.

I found myself sobbing in the bathtub this morning, while the kids were in school. I did not intend to cry, after all. Yet, I thought about how much I missed him. So many tears flowed down my face as I lie in the hot water. So many tears. So many tears.

This sadness was exacerbated by other variables. Malachy is the primary focus of my current grief. However, his passing opens some very painful wounds that have never really healed. Wounds that remain, despite my great desire that they heal.

When I am ready, I will talk about how Malachy's death stirs up the losses in my life. It stirs up so much pain. It stirs up that sense of missing and longing. It reminds me that those I so truly loved, with all of my heart, are gone. Gone forever. Yet, life must tread on. I want it to be a happy life. I need it to be a happy life. I am becoming more and more worn out from the sadness.

The business of grieving continues. I resolve to work through this as long as it takes. This is my only chance to truly heal. Not forget, nor feel the pain any less. I cannot continue my journey until I learn to truly heal from this pain.

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